Saturday, November 19, 2005

Agents of the Matrix descend

More than two months have elapsed since I last posted. I've been pretty busy battling a bunch of Mr. Smiths, Neo. Yep, that's right, the Architects have sent their Agents after me in a big way, keeping me off balance emotionally and physically for the last five months and stepping up the attack in the past two months.

Who are these Agents? Oh, they can be anyone, even your closest loved ones. One day you think you know them and love them as kind and decent people, and in five months time, they've become self-absorbed, pathological liars. Yep, they've been activated, Alice.

I'm fairly convinced that alcohol addiction, especially, but other drug addictions, too, can open the doors to activation. One loses control of their mind while under the influence, and if the behavior is continued, the predator takes over completely.

I've been dealing with addicts since I was a kid, and my survival role both in the family of origin and later in life has been that of Hero and Chief Enabler -- I'm the one who seems to get suckered into trying to help or change the addict. I do this so the addict will like me, stay with me, won't ever leave me if he/she needs me. In the end, I'm the one who gets the shaft, who gets hurt every time. Well, no more. I've declared war against my own co-dependency.

In recent months, I've learned my husband, who up until five months ago I adored, has been having an affair with another woman. He was kind, gentle, loving, a good father, fun, handsome and a hundred other great adjectives. He rarely drank alcohol, and for eight long years we've enjoyed an honest, communicative, open relationship.

A few years back, he decided he wanted to become a massage therapist. I encouraged this, and he truly does have a gift for massage. Well, about five months ago, he went to work for Madame X, who is a hairdresser and runs a salon not far from where we lived. I was ecstatic that he was moving to a salon closer to the house, whose hours were only until 7 p.m., as he had been working at a salon much futher away and whose hours were until 9 p.m. This would mean he'd have more time for me and the kids. Or at least that's what the kids and I thought.

Before too long, he started drinking after work with Madame X, who is likely an alcoholic in her own right. "Just drinking buddies," he said. He started coming home later and later, sometimes staying until 1 a.m. in the morning. He didn't seem to understand why I was upset by this. "We're not doing anything but drinking," he said.

She had him convinced that I was trying to "control" him and his time. His personality began to morph into someone I didn't know at all, someone who had now become a cold, calculating liar. I told him that I wasn't trying to control him; I was just trying to get my husband back. Well, this went on for four months with me freaking out that he was having an affair (which it turns out he was) and him telling me lie after lie after lie. I threatened to leave several times, went and got a hotel room on several occasions, but he always managed to seduce me into coming back with words of "I love you." What a bunch of horse-hockey, Dorothy!

Don Juan said the greatest fear that the predator has is that of "exposure." Well, he was finally exposed about four weeks ago, when he made the mistake of taking a witness with him on one of his jaunts to Madame X's house. The witness observed them kissing and holding hands throughout the day. He even asked the witness not to tell me what had been observed that day. Well, fortunately for me, the witness had greater loyalty to me than him and told me all about it that very evening.

Needless to say, confirmation of the lie was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I prepared with all sincerity to leave. I found a place to move, packed my stuff and my two kids, and was moved out within two weeks time. I'm not sure he even knew what hit him, but I was determined not to stay any longer than absolutely necessary. I was under attack, and I knew it.

He is still in denial that anything more than just that one day "when the predator was caught" happened between the two of them. "Just one day -- a big mistake -- please come back to me." No, even though I miss who he was terribly -- he's definitely not the same person he was five months ago. I can't allow my feelings of sadness and moments of weakness to hook me back into playing the predator's game -- believing the lie. And, believe me, Alice, there has been plenty of pain, sorrow, pity and self-pity to suck me back in.

But, don't you see, Dorothy, that's exactly the Architects' plan -- keep you so off-balanced and distracted by triggering your emotional center to pre-occupy itself with negative emotions that you don't have time to think, read, write, wake-up to the Matrix, do the Work, complete your mission or do any meaningful, spiritual work on the self, for that matter.

As you begin to wake-up to the hyperdimensional reality, you can expect attack by what Gnosis calls the General Law; Neo calls it the Matrix and its Agents. Not only do the Architects not want you to wake up, they definitely do not want you helping others to wake-up. Don't wake up the sheep, please! They might realize that they are about to be slaughtered and jump the frequency fence!

Now, not only have I been dealing with hubby's sudden alcohol addiction and apparent betrayal, but last week my crack-addicted, 44-year-old sister calls, crying for help -- not help to get into treatment, mind you -- but help to pay the rent on her cheap hotel bill. Pulling on my heart strings, trying to evoke pity by telling me all of her things were stolen, didn't work this time. I told her I would only be willing to help her get treatment, and nothing more. She hung up on me, and I haven't heard from her since. So, for the moment, Agent Number Two has been neutralized.

Agent Number One I will still have to contend with for a while. I love him dearly, and I think down deep he does love me, but our love has become toxic on its surface, possibly polluted to the core, and we must live separate lives now. I grow stronger and more resolute about this every day.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear what's been going on with your husband. Hang in there! {{{{{hugs}}}}}

6:34 PM  
Blogger ottershrew said...

All the very best, Star Dust! Excellent bit of Castaneda-style objective thinking - don't let the petty tyrants grind you down.

Heartily agree with you about the frequency fence that we need to get over - after all, there are priorities in life, aren't there? And striving for a life stuffed with STO sure ain't the same thing as co-dependency, as you say.

Last night I saw a meteor - no kidding! - bigger than a shooting star, and something I'd never seen before. Shocked me into realising how little time we've actually got here in the Matrix to do the real work.

Thanks for your courage in what you've done, and recorded for the rest of us out in blogland.

Big, big hugs. :)


12:04 PM  
Blogger Star Dust said...

Thanks, Shar and Pete. I appreciate your words of kindness and the big hugs. I'm doing my best to hang in there!

3:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OH MY GOD. You are KILLING me. I see my comment must be moderated and approved, so be it because I am not a member of anything. I have really a lousy weblog here:

I do not think a single person has posted a comment.

So, err, like, you have connected the monsters, the Agents, as the same sheople that practice the evil acts of out society. This whole war on Iraq thing, I am just ready to SCREAM. The USA has just turned into a bunch of spineless coward murderers, we are just the human fodder machine for something else that most certainly is not sovreign American. People do not even want to talk about it, admit it, feel it, they feel NOTHING. Their morality comes from their popular entertainment not from themselves.


Can you feel me?

2:52 PM  
Blogger Star Dust said...

Sorry, Anonymous, I moderate comments because I was getting a lot of spam on the comments log.

Could not agree more with your comment about people not wanting to talk about what's going on in America today. I guess people feel that there is nothing they can do about a corrupt administration that's taking us down the amoral highway in the name of God.

12:10 PM  

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